sugarsim

This is the main meat of the website. If you at all arent comfortable with suicidal thoughts or self harm please turn away, same goes for if youre allergic to cringey teenage angst. (or typos and shitty grammar)

Mar 19

Today was fine whatever. It was just more of the same that Im used to every single day. I hate getting tests or quizes back and failing, this is a recurring issue and eventually my grade is going to drop for real. I try to keep fine grades cause I dont want people to be mad at me but I just cant anymore without cutting, cutting is the only thing that gets me through the school day that helps me do work. I think Im going to try and buy a new pack of razors Im sick of this. I just have to do something I cant deal with it alymore. I think Sunday or Monday I might attempt again, Im going to spend time with my girlfriend tomorrow and saturday so afterwards I could probably be fine. Ill probably chicken out again last second and pull myself up with my arms but who knows, maybe Ill finally do it who knows.

Mar 18 2026

Today wasnt the worst. I only had to go to school for some state testing and got to leave before lunch. I saw my friend and ate good food at my favorite resteraunt, it was nice. I sadly had to go to my kinda job so that was whatever but I got food again after which was nice. Today just kind of happened I dunno. Not much to say, it wasnt an awful day like every other day feels when I dont spend time with my girlfriend.

Mar 17 2026

Forgot :P

Mar 16 2026

Today was weird, I was miserable all day but then it was all okay later. I spent all day without music doing zero work wanting to die, all I could think about all day today was killing myself when I got home. When the day was finally over randomly my girlfriend was just able to come over so they did randomly and it cured me instantly, we just laid around not doing anything and it was the best. Being so close to them either sitting or laying down is my favorite feeling in the world. Its really nice being able to see them. I wish they couldve stayed longer but they were only over for a couple hours before leaving. After they left I got food with some family and it was nice. Today was awful awful for 90% of it but it turned out okay just from seeing my girlfriend for just a little bit. Earlier today I was seriously convinced on killing myself tonight but its all fine now and I mean I might try a bit but I dont think I will, Ill probably be fine.

Mar 15 2026

Today was awful. Today was supposed to be the last relaxing bit of a break before I had to go back to school and I just felt miserable all day, I ruin everything for myself and everybody. I feel like shit I just wish I could cut myself, I want to more then anything. I had to go and do stuff all day and when I finally got home to relax and wind down I just sat down and cried and I didnt know what to do. Im so sick of everything right now. I tried scratching at my arm over and over but I just couldnt break the skin and I felt worse afterwards. I really need to just go and buy new razors and be better at hiding what Im doing. I miss when I could just cut myself a bit and feel better instantly, now I just have to do nothing and pretend like I dont want to kill myself constantly and just suck it all up. I dont know why it helped so much but it did and I honestly dont know how much longer until I really kill myself, hell knows Ive tried. If I wasnt so incompetent I would have died years ago but look where I am now. I swear I mean to write on here more, it really helps to vent out emotions and thoughts on this site but I just havent been able to get myself to do it most nights and I just feel awful I dont know anymore. Im sorry if I dont update often enough like I try to.

Mar 14 2026

Forgot :P

Mar 13 2026

Forgot :P

Mar 12 2026

Today was shit. I got my parents pissed at me for missing a field trip and I was just not doing well with school all day. I dont know why I keep just over and over again getting stuck in a loop not knowing what Im doing in class. Im so sick of the endless loop of feeling like an idiot in school without being able to at the very least cut myself. I think Im going to try and get new razors I just need it. Yesterday my girlfriend told me they wouldnt cut if I dont and I promised them I wouldnt but I just cant stop constantly thinking about it and feeling like Im going to kill myself without it. I had therapy for the first time today, I hate just sitting on a couch lying to a person about not having problems for an hour but it went pretty well. My therapist was nice and they kinda glanced over the why and how of me cutting myself which was weird, I thought it would be a big thing but it wasnt. I dont want to keep doing all this shit, Im sick of all of it.

Mar 11 2026

Today was pretty shit but it wasnt awful. I finally started Progesterone, very happy. I gotta start therapy tomorrow, bleh. All day I was tired but I went to school cause I was feeling way better even with my awful cough. I dont know today was like run of the mill bad but I just kinda felt a bit shit enough that I feel like it was worse then it really was. Whatever I wanna sleep.

Mar 10 2026

Today was awful, I say that alot I know. I havent wrote anything in a couple days which is fucking with me. I stayed home again from school cause Im still sick. I had to go to the doctor to talk about my cutting and im just done with everything right now. Ive been constantly thinking about cutting and killing myself. I just miss it, its all I need right now. I keep putting my belt around my throat attempting to hang it but I just dont know what Im doing trying to actually make it tie onto anything. I just want everything to be over, I dont know if I really want to die or not I just want it all to be over.

Mar 9 2026

Forgot :P

Mar 8 2026

Forgot :P

Mar 7 2026

Today was awful, Im really sick and I just feel awful. I want to be able to do stuff and I feel miserable and I miss cutting.

Mar 6 2026

Another bad day but I fell asleep before I could write anything.

Mar 5 2026

Today has been really shit. All day I just keep feeling worse and worse Im struggling not being able to cut myself. I havent done any work and I just spend all class all day just doing nothing trying not to burst out crying. Im fucking pathetic. I dont even know what to write without just saying the same thing over and over again like I do every day.

Mar 4 2026

Today was pretty fucking awful. Forgot to write an entry though so whatever.

Mar 3 2026

Today might be the worst day of my entire life I want to die now more then I ever have before. From the moment I woke up Ive been miserable thinking about killing myself and nothing else all day and then I get out of the door late, forget my earbuds and my razors. And then in the first period of the day I got called down to the office where they asked me if Ive been harming myself. I told them I havent and after they asked to see my arm they gave me the most careless response in the world just going "Mmkay." Im so fucking done right now. They called my parents and my Mom was mad at me and just kept yelling at me calling me stupid and telling me I need to use my brain instead of cutting myself and blaming me for never telling her anything even though I never did just to avoid this. All fucking day I just keep wanting to slice my arm open deeper then I ever have before and I just cant I have no way to do anything, that was the one coping method I used to stop myself from actually commiting suicide. I dont know what Im gonna fucking do anymore I dont want to live I cant do anything right I just want to die and for everybody to forget me so I can go out alone by myself. I wish I could cut myself today but I cant because everything is awful Im so sick of this right now I dont want to write this or do anything I want to die. Why do I keep fucking doing this over and over again why couldnt I just cut on my thigh instead so nobody would know, why did I have to tell my girlfriend this is the only and first time she ever snitched on me, why today of all the days. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up I dont want to have to go through it all again tomorrow I dont want to live right now. I wish I wasnt so retarded so I would stop saying the same 3 fucking sentances. Im sorry to everybody thats ever had to be around me or talk to me or look at me I feel like a disgrace I just want to die alone by myself where nobody else will see me. I think Im really going to plan something, I cant decide between train or rope but idk yet. I feel like and know Im overreacting but I just dont want to live right now and I feel like this fucking constantly what do I even do at this point. Last thing I want to do is go to a mental hospital of any kind but if I was honest at all to any adult thats what would happen. I just dont trust talking to anybody right now and I dont know what to do I cant even cut myself to do something anything Im just hopeless and I dont know what the point of living is anymore at this point.

Mar 2 2026

Today was again like every other day pretty miserable. All day Ive felt like shit physically and mentally. I feel like every day and all day Im just about to puke for no reason, that paired with just being tired every day all day is killing me. I want it to get warm outside again I miss skating, Ive always been trying to get good and I never really got anywhere. I really want this year to be different, skating makes me just in the moment instantly happy and everything feels okay when Im just trying yk? This year I swear Im really gonna try and not suck ass at it anymore, I hate being a poser. I will no matter what before Fall learn to kickflip I swear on my life. I just need to find a real way to motivate myself and figure out what Im doing. I cut myself again today, it bled too much in the school bathroom it got all over my hoodie cause I was in a rush because of the stupid fucking like 5 minute bathroom passes. Im tired of everything right now.

Mar 1 2026

Today was pretty bad. Ive felt like shit all day physically and mentally, cut myself at like 3AM before I even began to fall asleep last night. All day Ive just been doing nothing and helping out with chores or feeling miserable because I cant enjoy doing the things I like doing. I just keep feeling more and more like everything is pointless every single day and I cant stand it. I cant do fucking anything right, I cant do chores right, I cant do my schoolwork right, I cant even be a girl right. I fuck everything up constantly I dont know whats wrong with me. I hate myself so so much constantly and I dont think theres anything that will ever help me at this point. I dont even know what Im doing right now. Cut myself alot today more then once.

Feb 28 2026

Today was pretty shit. I was just kinda miserable the whole day even though I didnt do anything that bad or anything I was just miserable.

Feb 27 2026

Forgot to write anything, fell asleep too early. I got to see my girlfriend which was nice but after I was kinda shit mentally and cut myself I dont know.

Feb 26 2026

Today was pretty awful, Ive been miserable all day and then just so many small little things pile up so fast at the end of the day all that happens is I just hate myself more and wish I could get away from it all. While I was on the phone with my girlfriend I couldnt stop crying and I dont know why, I dont know whats so wrong with me I cant stand myself. I cut myself today, same amount as usual. I want to start going deeper but I think my blades are all too dull or Im just too much of a coward to actually commit to it, not like I know anything about aftercare either blehh.

Feb 25 2026

Today was fucking bleh. Whatever whatre you gonna do, cut myself a fair bit today. Cutting in the school bathroom sucks but its also kind of nice, very relaxing. I felt blood on my arm all fucking day though and when it dried up a bit it really hurt when i stretched the skin at all. Nothing much to say today honestly, same old same old. I hope whoever if anybody is reading this has a better day then me. Goodnight.

Feb 24 2026

Today was awful awful awful. Ive been miserable all day and constantly done nothing but prove Im nothing but a worthless fuckup. I cant do anything right, I make myself and everything surrounding me worse and I cant even pretend to deal with it well. I constantly make my own self hatred other peoples issues by talking to them and trying to be any small amount of normal. I want to die more then anything in the world just so I can escape it all, I would just run away but Id rather kill myself then die hungry and alone somewhere where nobody will find me. I just want to be better and to stop throwing everything good about my life away every chance I get. Im a terrible person I deserve to die I hate myself so much. Cut myself today.

Feb 23 2026

Today was fucking awful. I did zero work like I was supposed to and felt like shit mentally all day. I honestly dont know how much longer I can go on for, everything just feels kinda meaningless right now and I constantly do nothing worth while. I feel like Im a failure to all of the people around me who expect even average or subpar performance or work in literally anything. All I do is fail and make myself fail more by being stubborn. I hate myself I dont know why I keep trying to push forward and keep myself alive. I cant do anything right, not even cutting. I am nowhere near cutting well enough to even begin to consider myself valid, shallow styros only I cant do anything right. All I want right now is to cut myself and bleed more and more and best case scenario have permenate marks on my body because if I dont then whats the fucking point. Cut myself alot again today, nothing new there.

Feb 22 2026

Writing this the day after, fell asleep before I had the chance to write anything. Today was pretty fucking bad to be honest, all day I just felt kinda shit for no reason I just kinda felt worse and worse as the day went on. It wasnt an all bad day but most of it was shit, I just didnt feel good mentally. I cut myself today obviously.

Feb 21 2026

I wanna fucking die. I got to see my girlfriend today which was the best thing ever but after I had to leave I just felt terrible. We were talking a bit after and they said that they cut themselves because of something that happened with their mom while I was over and I feel terrible. It makes me so sad to hear them having to deal with all this, they deserve better. I was so happy earlier today I dont know why I cant just go back to being happy I could see them, in the moment it was the best thing ever. I dont know whats wrong with me I just want to die. I feel fucking miserable constantly and I dont know why, I think I might be too far gone I just wanna end it already but Im too much of a fucking coward to do anything. Cut myself again today even though Im trying to quit. I just wanna go to bed and not have to wake up tomorrow.

Feb 20 2026

Fell asleep before I could blog :P

Feb 19 2026

Today once I got home was pretty nice actually. School was miserable as always but whatever who cares. All day at school I didnt do very much and I cut myself in the school bathroom again which Im mad at myself for but it wasnt too deep anywhere so its fine. Once I was home I had my 2 friends over which was nice, we watched Godzilla movies. Well when I say we I mean I watched Godzilla movies, they just sat on their phones not paying attention but whatever it was nice to see them. I love Godzilla its so fucking good. A bit after they both left as I was going into the shower I got a text from my girlfriend, it was the most excited Id ever been from a text message in my whole life. I love them so much. We are going to see eachother Saturday and I cant be more excited, all I want in the world is to be in their arms and look at their face.

Feb 18 2026

Today was fucking long. All day Ive felt like abyssmal dogshit and I cut myself alot in the school bathroom which is always fun. I didnt want to go to work today especially I just felt like shit idk. After getting off and getting some food I called my girlfriend and hearing her sounding better was really nice, we got to talk alot. Eventually I mentioned vaguely that Ive been cutting myself to deal with shit and she sounded really worried, when they asked when I told her in full honesty that its been almost every day with maybe one or two days that I havent in the past few weeks. Theyre clearly worried about me, I just dont want to make them any more stressed out about anything. They want me to try and find better coping skills which I agree on and as we were talking about it I was crying and getting all emotional, not even entirely because of that I just miss them and I want to talk to them constantly and talking about stuff we can do when they get out made me really happy and sad at the same time idk. I want to hug them so bad, I feel like that would fix all my problems. They told me that if it helps they could take away what I cut myself with but Im not sure if I want that at all to be honest. Obviously if Im addicted to something I dont want it taken away but like, I feel like cutting myself is way safer then bashing my head against the wall or finding something less clean to cut with. I was also thinking not just today but recently as a whole about permenant scarring, I know its stupid to think about and wish for and that its not true but I wish I could cut myself and it would leave a visible mark forever, I feel like if it all just goes away after a while then it was all for nothing and there was no reason to ever cut myself. I dont know I know its wrong to think that and stupid but I cant stop thinking that.

Feb 17 2026

Today was fucking terrible. All day Ive felt like shit mentally and physically, I couldnt find anything to eat for breakfast and I hardly touched dinner because it was gross. All day I just kept thinking "I should go to the bathroom and cut myself." over and over again. I just keep getting stuck like this and I dont know whats wrong with me. All day Ive done nothing but prove Im nothing but an incompetent worth for nothing asshole who cant do fucking anything right. I cut myself over and over again today, Im so pissed at myself and I wish I could do better. I got to call my girlfriend but they sounded miserable, they deserve the world and everything good in it. I have all the things that they deserve and I dont appreciate it and it doesnt make me mentally normal at all. I just wish I could kill myself and escape everything in the world right now. I want it all to end, especially me.

Feb 16 2026

Today was pretty shit. I had to wake up early and get my blood drawn which sucked. Not like Im not used to losing blood from my arm but still, as I was getting it drawn apparantly my right arm (the one I dont cut on) wasnt able to be drawn blood from so I had to do it on my left. I hate it when people see my wrist, the nurse didnt say anything and I was alone in the room but still. I doubt she reported anything or said anything to anybody but it still freaked me out, my arm is like one of the few secrets I really really try to keep because my worst fear is going to a mental hospital of any kind. Sure Im suicidal and cut myself pretty often but so what, cutting myself is how I deal with it so its all fine. Works perfectly fine for me so whatever. I got to call my girlfriend today, Im still really mad at myself for fucking up calling them yesterday. They werent mad at all but I was really mad at myself, I wish I wasnt such a fuck up. It was really nice hearing their voice, I almost cried. I told them what happened earlier today with the blood drawing thing and they were really concerned, I guess they didnt realize or was just hoping that I wasnt cutting still, I felt really bad admitting that Ive been doing it almost always every day, they deserve to have less on their plate and Im not helping. After a while of listening as usual they kept asking if I was okay and I responeded yeah every time slightly lying, Im not the best ever right now but I dont want them to have to worry more. I wish I wasnt such a fuck up. Cut myself alot today.

P.S. Listen to LinearGaze

Feb 15 2026

Bleh. Finally got to skate today and walk around by all the warehouses as it was dark out but I missed the call from my girlfriend, Im so pissed at myself I tried calling back three times but I got no response. Im actually terrible I cant believe I did that, hearing their voice over call is one of the few things keeping me going Im so pissed at myself. I cut myself alot today, way more then usual.

Feb 14 2026

Today was sad but nothing really happened. I just cried a bit and cut myself, laid around doing nothing all day. Whatever.

Feb 13 2026

Today was kinda shit but also not terrible. Ive felt physically like shit all day, I want to puke, but nothing that bad happened all day it was just boring and yet again I didnt do any work really. I just kinda sat around and then I ditched later in the day to go to a protest against ICE. It was nice seeing so many people coming together like that, it made me really happy to see people cared so much. After that me and my two friends got some pizza then walked home together, it was nice I just wish I wasnt so tired the whole time. Ever since I got home Ive felt pretty shit though, Ive started to catch a bit of a thing in my throat and Im sad, I hate being sick. Now that its starting to get a little warmer I was wanting to go skate again tomorrow cause its been forever but Im really shit at it so idk, I wish I was good at it and Ive tried really hard but Im just a fucking coward Im shit at commiting to it. Whatever, who cares. I cut myself alot alot alot this morning in the bathroom at school, my sleeve was soaking wet in a mix of water and blood, it was terrible.

Feb 12 2026

Today was pretty shit but alot better then the past few days. The main majority of the day was tolerable amounts of bad, just boring and I felt shitty the whole day but I mean once I got home it was alot better. It was nice to get a real break from everything for a couple hours for the first time in a while. I got to call my girlfriend and they were doing way better, I really wish we could spend Valentines together but atleast theyre going to get out next Thursday, I miss them alot. Im feeling slightly hopeful that things will be all okay by then, Ive been trying to cut myself less and be better and more stable for them. I love them so much. Shorter post today, I dont have much to say honestly. Cut myself alot earlier but its fine now.

P.S. Listen to noirem.

Feb 11 2026

Today was really fucking bad. I cant think of any times today I was actually happy. I spent all fucking day busy doing stuff, 15 hours away from home. All day all Ive wanted to do was go home and lay down and I couldnt get into my own bedroom until 11pm. Im so fucking done with life right now. Life just feels hopeless, I feel like nothing is gonna work out or be possible and Im just doomed to be a failure and dissapoint everybody around me more then I already have. I wish I could be better and function like a normal person but I just cant and I dont know why. Got to call my girlfriend again today, their release date was pushed back again to next Thursday. I feel selfish for always making everything about me but I actually need to see them more then anything in the world. I love them so much, being held in their arms just once would fix all my problems. If I ever lost them in any way for real I actually think I would kill myself. I fucking hate myself I wish I could be better for them, I try constantly but I cant do anything right. Im sick of lying and pretending like Im doing okay just so they dont have to worry about me and instead worry about their problems they have to deal with in the hospital. They worry so much about me and I wish they didnt have to, it feels like theyre the only person that really cares enough to worry or ask me about things. Nobody but them and my other two friends even know I cut myself, nobody has ever bothered to ask me how Im doing more then just in a slightly friendly small talk way. I wish I was better at life right now. Cut myself again today, more then usual.

P.S. Listen to doefriends

Feb 10 2026

Today was abyssmal dogshit but go play Mewgenics instead of anything else, this game fucking rules. I got to hear my girlfriend over call again, I really hope they get out Friday, I want to spend Valentines with them more then anything in the world. All my issues are currently temporarily gone though because of Mewgenics, tomorrow me is gonna be pissed Im not doing a lick of work. By the way, I did infact cut myself today. Yet again.

Feb 9 2026

Today was really shit. All day I havent done any work, and Ive felt like I was going to puke. I dont have a fucking clue how I went through the whole day without cutting myself, dont get me wrong I wanted to and was thinking about it constantly but I just couldnt get myself to ask to go to the bathroom, I always feel too embarassed to as like someones judging me. I wish I wasnt so fucking pathetic. I got to talk to my girlfriend today, there was some thing fucked up with my number at the hospital but its fixed now, hearing their voice was the greatest thing in the world. I miss them so fucking much I just want to hug them until the world is over.

Feb 8 2026

Today wasnt the best. Today was so mind numbingly boring, Ive felt like shit all day though. I barely ate any food today, I had ham and eggs this morning but I took one bite and I almost threw up so I had to throw away most of it. That was all I ate until like 6pm when I had a handful of tater tots my dad made. Being so hungry is probably part of why Ive felt so shit but oh well whatever. Ive been in a shitty headspace all day, I keep thinking about suicide and stuff and I was looking up stuff before I realized what I was doing. Honestly the only thing really stopping me from killing myself at this point is I would never want to do that to my girlfriend, the thought of me making them sad or worse mentally at all makes me sick of myself. I wish I was better at coping with stuff without immediately thinking about different ways I could kill myself, think that thinking like that is stupid and getting pissed at myself and hating myself for thinking like that then cutting myself to stop thinking. It makes me sad just how well cutting helps with everything when Im in a shitty headspace, esp when Ive been in one all day. I did it once earlier today but it wasnt anywhere near deep enough I couldnt even feel it, I was even more pissed at myself for doing it and draining blood without it being deep enough to help at all. I keep pushing my friends away, one of my two friends wanted to hang out and I kept saying "idk.." "idk if I can sorry.." for no reason at all, hes a great friend I wish I hung out with him instead of pushing him away. I didnt get a call from my girlfriend today, I dont know why but I just hope theyre doing okay. I was kind of freaking out when it was 8pm and I still hadnt gotten a call, I was thinking stupid shit but I know its not true Im sure theres just someone else they needed to call more then me. I feel like a loser admiting that the 10 minute call from them is the highlight of my day, theyre the only part of my life that I truly value to be honest. Cut myself after not getting a call, I was crying knowing I couldnt hear their voice for atleast another day. I wish I could be better for them and be less pathetic. I love them so much.

Feb 7 2026

Today was uneventful, nice break from everything for a bit but nothing happened really. Didnt cut myself surprisingly.

Feb 6 2026

Today was weird. It was a pretty nothing whatever day for the most part, I just kind of sat around and waited for the day to be over doing only the bare minimum. During school I only barely cut myself a little before deciding I would try not to today. Im proud of myself for just almost doing the bare minimum, Im pathetic still but who fucking cares whatever. I took a test today and did really well on it which I didnt think I would and was kind of scary. I got to call my girlfriend later in the day which was really nice, we just talked about our days and the such, I cant wait for when they get out. I love them so much I want to hold them in my arms as they hold me, I wish I could be less of a fuck up for them. Short blog today I know, whatever I can do whatever I want.

Feb 5 2026

Today was pretty shit for the most part. All day at school I was just fucking tired, I didnt want to be there at all. I took a quiz in math and I dont think I did very well, Im starting to think Im losing grip with academic stuff even more. Once I was finally home after a bit I got a call from the hospital. They told me it was a call from my girlfriend and I said "Oh! Cool!!!" and they thought I said "Oh. Who?" and said it was the wrong number. I was freaking out freaking out after that, I was panicking I was so mad at myself I cut myself alot in the moment. Still panicking I tried calling back getting no response and hung up on until I called another number and I could finally hear them. It was great hearting their voice we were able to call way longer then any time before, it was great getting to talk about stupid stuff after a bit and not have everything completely serious. It sounds like the new hospital is way better then the last one. I miss them so much. If I could hug them just once I think all my problems would be fixed right now. I hate lying to them saying they dont have to worry at all about me just so theyre less stressed out. I feel really bad about it but I just want them to be happier.

P.S. Listen to Exiled From Light

Feb 4 2026

Today was really shit. From the moment I woke up in bed today has been miserable. School is constantly too much for me and I dont know any way to deal with it other then going to the bathroom and cutting myself. I wish I was better at anything and everything I just want to live a normal fucking life. Why am I so stupid constantly, my grade in Chemistry keeps going down and down and down, same with all my other classes. Im fucking pathetic. First period of the day I cut myself in the bathroom, I did it way more then usual and it was alot of blood. I had to use paper towel to get some of it off but when I tried and rinse it I was kind of getting rushed out of the bathroom so I couldnt really dry it after, my blood mixed with a ton of water and my sleeve of my hoodie was soaking, it sucked ass. I wish I had a better way to deal with shit then cutting myself, its starting to get kinda bad. Im not the like biggest cutter ever, I dont do the shtwt shit but like still... It helps so much though, every time I do it, it just clears my head. Its such a good feeling to just not think for a while, and every time I do it I always think "Maybe this time I accidentally kill myself." hoping it just might kill me. Maybe I am a bit fucked in the head, whatever. I absolutely refuse to get any sort of medical or theraputic help or whatever the words are. Seeing how my girlfriend is doing in inpatient confirms my beliefs exactly on how terrible and unhelpful it is.

P.S. Listen to SEXCORP

Feb 3 2026

Today was shit. I was supposed to have plans after school but they didnt end up happening. I feel like I always overreact when this happens, the fact we couldnt hang out is the least important issue right now but just not being able to after so long and thinking I could finally see her for a little while just makes me really fucking sad. I fucking constantly sit around and think about her and wait to get to see her and with the whole inpatient stuff it was really hard to just get through every day not able to see her. And now with the shit that happened today she might have to go back even though its only been like 3 days since she left, I know she has it worse and I shouldnt be so whiny about everything but I actually cant fucking take this I need to see her. I dont know for sure if shes there but she said the doctors were likely going to send her there and then I didnt hear for her since. She attempted yesterday and Im so worried about her, not like I dont actively constantly think about doing the same but Im the one who deserves to be dead not her. Shes so fucking smart and gorgeous and she can actually handle a conversation like a normal fucking person. Im insufferable I make other peoples problems about me instead, I should really just kms atp. I wish I was smarter or less socially awkward or prettier or a real fucking girl. I fucking hate myself constantly, I wish I could kill myself but Im too much of a coward to ever do anything. I spent an hour or so after I got home just browsing SS and every single method I just thought I could find one method that would work fine but nothing is fucking easy enough for me. I wish I had a gun or a real ceiling or anything to hang myself off of. Ill probably jump infront of a train over anything else, I hate to put the person driving the train in that position and possible traumatize them for life but at this point idk how else I would do it. Im not going to yet Im really trying to hold on but I just dont fucking know what Im doing anymore, Im constantly miserable and dragging everyone else down emotionally because of it. I cut myself again today. Never wouldve guessed.

P.S. Listen to Blade and Bath

Feb 2 2026

Today was shitty, forgot to post yesterday so Ill rant a bit about yesterday too. Ive actually felt like a fucking failure this whole week I swear to fucking god. I keep just not thinking and doing shit wrong or not doing them. I had a piece of writing due today that I was supposed to work on this weekend but just didnt, had to throw 2 pages together in like 15 minutes during class. I feel like a constant fuck up, all my grades are shit and Im constantly getting teased or made fun of for my intelligence. I feel like at this point Im actually just retarded, no other word to describe it. I wish I was better at dealing with emotions on my own, my first thought is always no matter what "I should cut myself" and I know its not healthy but it just fucking works and thats all I need right now. Im sure you can assume I cut myself today and yesterday, revelation of new knowledge I know. Yesterday I had to drive for like 7 fucking hours, got to go to the arcade which was nice but it was NOT worth it in the slightest. Only worthwhile game there is 3rd strike and maybe Guilty Gear but I cant play it with how the arcade lays out the buttons. I like fighting games but Im really ass at them, cant do fucking anything correctly except for complain on the internet and cut myself. Im allowed to be a selfish pos though this is my blog only I can say anything. Clearly Im never in a good headspace while writing on here either so like... whatever who cares. Not like anybody but me even reads these anyway. Atleast tomorrow I can see my girlfriend more, shes coming over after school which is going to be nice. For a hot minute now whenever she comes over I have to keep my door open cause we fucked like 2 weeks ago, it was a one time fuckup we know to be safer but like come on man can we atleast have some privacy. Not like we havent done a little bit of stuff after we just know after the first time to not be stupid and do vaginal stuff. I wish I was born a girl I fucking hate being the one with the cock. I dont really wish she had the cock instead I just wish we could just do stuff without having to worry about anything. IDFK Im tired I should probably go to bed but like oh well whatever, sleep is for losers. It would be more fun to stay up and do fucking nothing at all and make waking up tomorrow to go through another agonizing day of school. Its not even that bad Im just a pussy who cant handle the slightest amount of anything expected from me. I wish I still had good grades and people still thought I was smart like in middle school. I cant believe I used to get like all high As in all my classes, I miss being smart. I actually dont know what happened to my fucking brain, I just cant do anything anymore. Ever since like 8th grade ish which was the first year of school I was publicly out as trans which might correlate but idk. I used to get bullied a decent chunk as soon as I came out but its slowed down since High School started. Its all just people talking about me behind my back or right next to me making fun of me and passing it off as a joke even though I dont know them. I would say something but Im terrible terrible at speaking up about stuff, I actually dont have a fucking spine. I fucking hate myself, I wish I was normal.

P.S. Listen to Makeout Videotape

Feb 1 2026

Forgot :P

Jan 31 2026

Today was a mix of boring and shitty. I spent most of the day doing fucking nothing, just playing games and the such. I drove alot today and Ive been on edge all day. My parents were lecturing me about how speaking up to professionals is important and that I should take everything that my girlfriend says less seriously. I was so sick of them, they are so fucking stupid right now. They were saying I should be around her less because of what happened and her mom is trying to do the same. I actually dont know what Im going to do if I cant see her, shes really all thats keeping me going. Im so sick of everything. I was asked if I wanted to start going to therapy again because I seemed a bit stressed out ig, Id rather fucking die I actually hate therapists. Ive seen three different therapists and not a single one helped in the slightest. I either lie and say Im fine cause I dont feel like going to a mental hospital or I complain about stupid meaningless stuff and they start pinning shit on me that isnt true. I wish I was just a normal fucking person and didnt have to do so much shit just because my brain fucking hates me. I constantly think about killing myself and I dont know why. Its not like I ever did anything or anything happened to me aside from being fucking stupid and hating myself. I wish I wasnt trans more then anything in the world. Cut myself again today, whoo fucking whoo.

Jan 30 2026

Today was abyssmal, I had two tests, and I had to write a shit ton and did no work. In every class I always get seperated with from everyone else to re explain stuff from days ago to me, Im actually mentally retarded why am I like this. Im a fucking abyssmal piece of dog shit I need to end myself immediately. I got to hear my girlfriends voice earlier and it set in that we cant see eachother anywhere near as much as before. I was crying the second half of the call, I tried really hard to hide it but I dont know if they could tell. Im so sick of myself they deserve better then me. Yet again today I cut myself, as usual. I swear Im trying to stop, you cant tell but like I really am. I fucking hate myself I wish I wasnt such a pussy so I could just kill myself already. Only reason I dont want to is to not make everything worse for my girlfriend, we both rely on eachother, without her I dont think I would be currently alive. I need to stop talking Im fucking insufferable Im sorry. If you read all of this shit please just dont and go outside and have a good day, just leave the tab and stop surrounding yourself with my negativity like I do to everyone I know.

Jan 29 2026

Today was fucking terrible for the most part, I felt like shit all day at school and by the time I got home I was exhausted. All day Ive been trying to do work but failing, only class Im not absolutely terrible in is math and even then.. I got amazing news though, my girlfriend is getting released from the hospital tomorrow. Im so so so excited to see her Ive missed her so much, Ive been a wreck without her, im fucking pathetic. Her mom is being a dick though and we are only allowed to see eachother every other week. That is so fucking stupid dude what the fuckk. I was the one she called every single day on the phone, we obviously depend on eachother somewhat. Why the fuck are we being controlled on how much we can see eachother. That paired with her getting daily 1 hours of screen time, like screen limits are whatever (I dont have one look how I turned out) but REALLY?? ONE HOUR??? fucking insane. I was so happy to hear that shes getting out soon, we might be able to see eachother this weekend hopefully but I hate that we cant see eachother very often. Ive been kinda on and off a bad mood all day its weird idk. I was completely miserable while at school though, I actually feel like Im mentally challenged. I failed a Chemistry test and my grade is an incredibly low D and with the quiz tomorrow Im pretty sure Im gonna dip down into an F. Im fucking sick of school, end of rant I want to go to sleep. Once again cut myself today, I know I know I do everyday.. Trying to keep track of the days I do and dont so accept the fact Im going to say if I did or didnt every day.

P.S. listen to Deadflowers, new EP was great

Jan 28 2026

I feel awful, I feel like Im going to puke. I woke up late today and I had to catch up on all the work I did none of yesterday, all of it just keeps adding up I cant deal with it right now especially. After getting home for a few moments I had to go straight to work which was a small distraction but I just wish I couldve stayed home. After getting home I sat at my desk looking at my phone waiting and waiting for my girlfriend to call from the hospital. She was crying talking to me and I could barely hear her but it was comforting to hear her voice but I wish she was happier at all. I had to insist that she didnt have to worry about me and that I was doing fine, she was so worried and has been having an awful time while shes been there. They said she might get to go home if things go well between her and her mom at a meeting Saturday. I really really hope she can get out I cant live without her. She kept asking me "This isnt going to change anything between us right?" panicked and crying and Ive never felt so sad in my life. I cant imagine myself or my life without her I hope she doesnt think any differently of me like she thinks I am or would or might. I love her so much I miss her, I want to feel her in my arms more then anything in the world. I wish she had a better life and someone better then me to support her, she means so so so much to me and I constantly think about her and miss her. I feel awful. Again today was another day I cut myself (please give me a huge medal reading "best cutter" I deserve it.) I dont know what Im doing anymore I feel like I constantly fuck everything up and make everything worse for everybody. My life is going to shit and the only thing causing that is myself, Im too fucking stupid to acomplish anything in life and Im too lazy and scrawny and socially inept to ever make a living through anything else. I want to die.

P.S. listen to Litovsk.

Jan 27 2026

Today was weird, I stayed home today cause my stomach was killing me (mostly stress) and I tried so hard to get caught up on missing work and prove Im smart or good at schoolwork or ANYTHING but I didnt get jackshit done at all. I am so so sick of this constant stream of work that Im expected to do despite not knowing what Im doing at all. I would ask for help from any of my teachers but Im too fucking awkward to even manage that. Im fucking insufferable I cant do anything. I cant do fucking anything ever, all I do is make myself miserable and others around me worried or miserable. I dont know what Im even doing anymore. I had the entire entire fucking day to myself and the only productive things I got done were my laundry and half of one assignment I was supposed to do a day ago. I have so much more work I cant even start to do cause I missed today, I shouldve just sucked it up and went anyways. I couldve gone just half the day even and gotten my work from my harder classes, Im so fucking sick of myself and my own choices. Every single day I just suck it up whenever Im sick or my stomach hurts or I want to kill myself or theres blood running down my arm. Why of all the days did I think I could just stay home like this, I shouldve just sucked it up like I usually do Im so sick of myself. I have always been so so so private about mental stuff, only people that I let know anything close to what I have going on is my girlfriend and two friends. Id like to think I generally seem normal visually for my mental state anyways, so tell me why the fuck did my mom imediately think I was staying home from school just to kill myself. I wasnt planning on it or anything, I think about it sure but Im a coward everyone knows this. Cut myself again, Im a failure. Way less deep then usual (sorry to disappoint) but I am so sick of myself.

Update from later in the day: My girlfriend called from the hospital, she was crying at the start of the call, it was amazing to hear her voice I really miss her but Ive been really worried and continue to be so about her. She was insisting she wasnt crazy (which i believe her on) about the whole incident that got her put in the hospital, nobody but me believes her and Im really upset about it. When I told her that I was worried about her she said I shouldnt be and that I need to promise that Ill be okay for her and that shes worried about how Ill be without her. She wasnt wrong at all Ive been really worried about her and Ive felt like shit but I didnt have the heart to tell her that. I wish she didnt have to deal with so much shit constantly, she deserves better in life.

Jan 26 2026

This is the first post of many Im sure. I just finished making the site after having a really shtity day. Going to school only for the exact same shit as always and then theres some career picking presentation.. I dont want to think about the future ever, I dont even know how I could imagine myself working a normal job and making a living. I am so so so sick of everybody constantly asking me what I want to do after I graduate.. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?? At this point Im thinking maybe Comp Sci but thats going to shit with all the AI stuff and its so so so overran right now its sickening. Other then that idk man maybe a Mechanic or something, cars are pretty cool I wouldnt mind it but I have zero clue how to work on cars at all. I havent even mentioned the actual important personal stuff of today... Earlier today my gf (Im not single, surprising I know..) was admitted to inpatient at a mental hospital. I dont know how Im gonna go the next few days without them, Im happy they can get a break from their shitty household but I actually cant live a day without seeing them, I was already crying like a cringe baby earlier, Im not built for anything at all.. Atleast I could call them before they were transferred from the hospital. It was nice hearing their voice before they had to leave. I wish I couldve said goodbye one more time but atleast I could see them for a bit over video. I was being a whiny little bitch and almost cut myself a bit after the call ended but I didnt want to deal with the mess right now so I held off, plus Im home I dont have to worry about that much yet, tomorrow is gonna be way worse having to think about this while also stressing over schoolwork that I did not bother to do tonight at all.. I got a box of Bottlecaps earlier though so today wasnt all bad, devoured the fuck out of it while playing some Fallout 4. Today was shit I wanna go to sleep but I dont want to wake up tomorrow.