sugarsim

This is the main meat of the website. If you at all arent comfortable with suicidal thoughts or self harm please turn away, same goes for if youre allergic to cringey teenage angst. (or typos and shitty grammar)

Feb 7 2026

Today was uneventful, nice break from everything for a bit but nothing happened really. Didnt cut myself surprisingly.

Feb 6 2026

Today was weird. It was a pretty nothing whatever day for the most part, I just kind of sat around and waited for the day to be over doing only the bare minimum. During school I only barely cut myself a little before deciding I would try not to today. Im proud of myself for just almost doing the bare minimum, Im pathetic still but who fucking cares whatever. I took a test today and did really well on it which I didnt think I would and was kind of scary. I got to call my girlfriend later in the day which was really nice, we just talked about our days and the such, I cant wait for when they get out. I love them so much I want to hold them in my arms as they hold me, I wish I could be less of a fuck up for them. Short blog today I know, whatever I can do whatever I want.

Feb 5 2026

Today was pretty shit for the most part. All day at school I was just fucking tired, I didnt want to be there at all. I took a quiz in math and I dont think I did very well, Im starting to think Im losing grip with academic stuff even more. Once I was finally home after a bit I got a call from the hospital. They told me it was a call from my girlfriend and I said "Oh! Cool!!!" and they thought I said "Oh. Who?" and said it was the wrong number. I was freaking out freaking out after that, I was panicking I was so mad at myself I cut myself alot in the moment. Still panicking I tried calling back getting no response and hung up on until I called another number and I could finally hear them. It was great hearting their voice we were able to call way longer then any time before, it was great getting to talk about stupid stuff after a bit and not have everything completely serious. It sounds like the new hospital is way better then the last one. I miss them so much. If I could hug them just once I think all my problems would be fixed right now. I hate lying to them saying they dont have to worry at all about me just so theyre less stressed out. I feel really bad about it but I just want them to be happier.

P.S. Listen to Exiled From Light

Feb 4 2026

Today was really shit. From the moment I woke up in bed today has been miserable. School is constantly too much for me and I dont know any way to deal with it other then going to the bathroom and cutting myself. I wish I was better at anything and everything I just want to live a normal fucking life. Why am I so stupid constantly, my grade in Chemistry keeps going down and down and down, same with all my other classes. Im fucking pathetic. First period of the day I cut myself in the bathroom, I did it way more then usual and it was alot of blood. I had to use paper towel to get some of it off but when I tried and rinse it I was kind of getting rushed out of the bathroom so I couldnt really dry it after, my blood mixed with a ton of water and my sleeve of my hoodie was soaking, it sucked ass. I wish I had a better way to deal with shit then cutting myself, its starting to get kinda bad. Im not the like biggest cutter ever, I dont do the shtwt shit but like still... It helps so much though, every time I do it, it just clears my head. Its such a good feeling to just not think for a while, and every time I do it I always think "Maybe this time I accidentally kill myself." hoping it just might kill me. Maybe I am a bit fucked in the head, whatever. I absolutely refuse to get any sort of medical or theraputic help or whatever the words are. Seeing how my girlfriend is doing in inpatient confirms my beliefs exactly on how terrible and unhelpful it is.

P.S. Listen to SEXCORP

Feb 3 2026

Today was shit. I was supposed to have plans after school but they didnt end up happening. I feel like I always overreact when this happens, the fact we couldnt hang out is the least important issue right now but just not being able to after so long and thinking I could finally see her for a little while just makes me really fucking sad. I fucking constantly sit around and think about her and wait to get to see her and with the whole inpatient stuff it was really hard to just get through every day not able to see her. And now with the shit that happened today she might have to go back even though its only been like 3 days since she left, I know she has it worse and I shouldnt be so whiny about everything but I actually cant fucking take this I need to see her. I dont know for sure if shes there but she said the doctors were likely going to send her there and then I didnt hear for her since. She attempted yesterday and Im so worried about her, not like I dont actively constantly think about doing the same but Im the one who deserves to be dead not her. Shes so fucking smart and gorgeous and she can actually handle a conversation like a normal fucking person. Im insufferable I make other peoples problems about me instead, I should really just kms atp. I wish I was smarter or less socially awkward or prettier or a real fucking girl. I fucking hate myself constantly, I wish I could kill myself but Im too much of a coward to ever do anything. I spent an hour or so after I got home just browsing SS and every single method I just thought I could find one method that would work fine but nothing is fucking easy enough for me. I wish I had a gun or a real ceiling or anything to hang myself off of. Ill probably jump infront of a train over anything else, I hate to put the person driving the train in that position and possible traumatize them for life but at this point idk how else I would do it. Im not going to yet Im really trying to hold on but I just dont fucking know what Im doing anymore, Im constantly miserable and dragging everyone else down emotionally because of it. I cut myself again today. Never wouldve guessed.

P.S. Listen to Blade and Bath

Feb 2 2026

Today was shitty, forgot to post yesterday so Ill rant a bit about yesterday too. Ive actually felt like a fucking failure this whole week I swear to fucking god. I keep just not thinking and doing shit wrong or not doing them. I had a piece of writing due today that I was supposed to work on this weekend but just didnt, had to throw 2 pages together in like 15 minutes during class. I feel like a constant fuck up, all my grades are shit and Im constantly getting teased or made fun of for my intelligence. I feel like at this point Im actually just retarded, no other word to describe it. I wish I was better at dealing with emotions on my own, my first thought is always no matter what "I should cut myself" and I know its not healthy but it just fucking works and thats all I need right now. Im sure you can assume I cut myself today and yesterday, revelation of new knowledge I know. Yesterday I had to drive for like 7 fucking hours, got to go to the arcade which was nice but it was NOT worth it in the slightest. Only worthwhile game there is 3rd strike and maybe Guilty Gear but I cant play it with how the arcade lays out the buttons. I like fighting games but Im really ass at them, cant do fucking anything correctly except for complain on the internet and cut myself. Im allowed to be a selfish pos though this is my blog only I can say anything. Clearly Im never in a good headspace while writing on here either so like... whatever who cares. Not like anybody but me even reads these anyway. Atleast tomorrow I can see my girlfriend more, shes coming over after school which is going to be nice. For a hot minute now whenever she comes over I have to keep my door open cause we fucked like 2 weeks ago, it was a one time fuckup we know to be safer but like come on man can we atleast have some privacy. Not like we havent done a little bit of stuff after we just know after the first time to not be stupid and do vaginal stuff. I wish I was born a girl I fucking hate being the one with the cock. I dont really wish she had the cock instead I just wish we could just do stuff without having to worry about anything. IDFK Im tired I should probably go to bed but like oh well whatever, sleep is for losers. It would be more fun to stay up and do fucking nothing at all and make waking up tomorrow to go through another agonizing day of school. Its not even that bad Im just a pussy who cant handle the slightest amount of anything expected from me. I wish I still had good grades and people still thought I was smart like in middle school. I cant believe I used to get like all high As in all my classes, I miss being smart. I actually dont know what happened to my fucking brain, I just cant do anything anymore. Ever since like 8th grade ish which was the first year of school I was publicly out as trans which might correlate but idk. I used to get bullied a decent chunk as soon as I came out but its slowed down since High School started. Its all just people talking about me behind my back or right next to me making fun of me and passing it off as a joke even though I dont know them. I would say something but Im terrible terrible at speaking up about stuff, I actually dont have a fucking spine. I fucking hate myself, I wish I was normal.

P.S. Listen to Makeout Videotape

Feb 1 2026

Forgot :P

Jan 31 2026

Today was a mix of boring and shitty. I spent most of the day doing fucking nothing, just playing games and the such. I drove alot today and Ive been on edge all day. My parents were lecturing me about how speaking up to professionals is important and that I should take everything that my girlfriend says less seriously. I was so sick of them, they are so fucking stupid right now. They were saying I should be around her less because of what happened and her mom is trying to do the same. I actually dont know what Im going to do if I cant see her, shes really all thats keeping me going. Im so sick of everything. I was asked if I wanted to start going to therapy again because I seemed a bit stressed out ig, Id rather fucking die I actually hate therapists. Ive seen three different therapists and not a single one helped in the slightest. I either lie and say Im fine cause I dont feel like going to a mental hospital or I complain about stupid meaningless stuff and they start pinning shit on me that isnt true. I wish I was just a normal fucking person and didnt have to do so much shit just because my brain fucking hates me. I constantly think about killing myself and I dont know why. Its not like I ever did anything or anything happened to me aside from being fucking stupid and hating myself. I wish I wasnt trans more then anything in the world. Cut myself again today, whoo fucking whoo.

Jan 30 2026

Today was abyssmal, I had two tests, and I had to write a shit ton and did no work. In every class I always get seperated with from everyone else to re explain stuff from days ago to me, Im actually mentally retarded why am I like this. Im a fucking abyssmal piece of dog shit I need to end myself immediately. I got to hear my girlfriends voice earlier and it set in that we cant see eachother anywhere near as much as before. I was crying the second half of the call, I tried really hard to hide it but I dont know if they could tell. Im so sick of myself they deserve better then me. Yet again today I cut myself, as usual. I swear Im trying to stop, you cant tell but like I really am. I fucking hate myself I wish I wasnt such a pussy so I could just kill myself already. Only reason I dont want to is to not make everything worse for my girlfriend, we both rely on eachother, without her I dont think I would be currently alive. I need to stop talking Im fucking insufferable Im sorry. If you read all of this shit please just dont and go outside and have a good day, just leave the tab and stop surrounding yourself with my negativity like I do to everyone I know.

Jan 29 2026

Today was fucking terrible for the most part, I felt like shit all day at school and by the time I got home I was exhausted. All day Ive been trying to do work but failing, only class Im not absolutely terrible in is math and even then.. I got amazing news though, my girlfriend is getting released from the hospital tomorrow. Im so so so excited to see her Ive missed her so much, Ive been a wreck without her, im fucking pathetic. Her mom is being a dick though and we are only allowed to see eachother every other week. That is so fucking stupid dude what the fuckk. I was the one she called every single day on the phone, we obviously depend on eachother somewhat. Why the fuck are we being controlled on how much we can see eachother. That paired with her getting daily 1 hours of screen time, like screen limits are whatever (I dont have one look how I turned out) but REALLY?? ONE HOUR??? fucking insane. I was so happy to hear that shes getting out soon, we might be able to see eachother this weekend hopefully but I hate that we cant see eachother very often. Ive been kinda on and off a bad mood all day its weird idk. I was completely miserable while at school though, I actually feel like Im mentally challenged. I failed a Chemistry test and my grade is an incredibly low D and with the quiz tomorrow Im pretty sure Im gonna dip down into an F. Im fucking sick of school, end of rant I want to go to sleep. Once again cut myself today, I know I know I do everyday.. Trying to keep track of the days I do and dont so accept the fact Im going to say if I did or didnt every day.

P.S. listen to Deadflowers, new EP was great

Jan 28 2026

I feel awful, I feel like Im going to puke. I woke up late today and I had to catch up on all the work I did none of yesterday, all of it just keeps adding up I cant deal with it right now especially. After getting home for a few moments I had to go straight to work which was a small distraction but I just wish I couldve stayed home. After getting home I sat at my desk looking at my phone waiting and waiting for my girlfriend to call from the hospital. She was crying talking to me and I could barely hear her but it was comforting to hear her voice but I wish she was happier at all. I had to insist that she didnt have to worry about me and that I was doing fine, she was so worried and has been having an awful time while shes been there. They said she might get to go home if things go well between her and her mom at a meeting Saturday. I really really hope she can get out I cant live without her. She kept asking me "This isnt going to change anything between us right?" panicked and crying and Ive never felt so sad in my life. I cant imagine myself or my life without her I hope she doesnt think any differently of me like she thinks I am or would or might. I love her so much I miss her, I want to feel her in my arms more then anything in the world. I wish she had a better life and someone better then me to support her, she means so so so much to me and I constantly think about her and miss her. I feel awful. Again today was another day I cut myself (please give me a huge medal reading "best cutter" I deserve it.) I dont know what Im doing anymore I feel like I constantly fuck everything up and make everything worse for everybody. My life is going to shit and the only thing causing that is myself, Im too fucking stupid to acomplish anything in life and Im too lazy and scrawny and socially inept to ever make a living through anything else. I want to die.

P.S. listen to Litovsk.

Jan 27 2026

Today was weird, I stayed home today cause my stomach was killing me (mostly stress) and I tried so hard to get caught up on missing work and prove Im smart or good at schoolwork or ANYTHING but I didnt get jackshit done at all. I am so so sick of this constant stream of work that Im expected to do despite not knowing what Im doing at all. I would ask for help from any of my teachers but Im too fucking awkward to even manage that. Im fucking insufferable I cant do anything. I cant do fucking anything ever, all I do is make myself miserable and others around me worried or miserable. I dont know what Im even doing anymore. I had the entire entire fucking day to myself and the only productive things I got done were my laundry and half of one assignment I was supposed to do a day ago. I have so much more work I cant even start to do cause I missed today, I shouldve just sucked it up and went anyways. I couldve gone just half the day even and gotten my work from my harder classes, Im so fucking sick of myself and my own choices. Every single day I just suck it up whenever Im sick or my stomach hurts or I want to kill myself or theres blood running down my arm. Why of all the days did I think I could just stay home like this, I shouldve just sucked it up like I usually do Im so sick of myself. I have always been so so so private about mental stuff, only people that I let know anything close to what I have going on is my girlfriend and two friends. Id like to think I generally seem normal visually for my mental state anyways, so tell me why the fuck did my mom imediately think I was staying home from school just to kill myself. I wasnt planning on it or anything, I think about it sure but Im a coward everyone knows this. Cut myself again, Im a failure. Way less deep then usual (sorry to disappoint) but I am so sick of myself.

Update from later in the day: My girlfriend called from the hospital, she was crying at the start of the call, it was amazing to hear her voice I really miss her but Ive been really worried and continue to be so about her. She was insisting she wasnt crazy (which i believe her on) about the whole incident that got her put in the hospital, nobody but me believes her and Im really upset about it. When I told her that I was worried about her she said I shouldnt be and that I need to promise that Ill be okay for her and that shes worried about how Ill be without her. She wasnt wrong at all Ive been really worried about her and Ive felt like shit but I didnt have the heart to tell her that. I wish she didnt have to deal with so much shit constantly, she deserves better in life.

Jan 26 2026

This is the first post of many Im sure. I just finished making the site after having a really shtity day. Going to school only for the exact same shit as always and then theres some career picking presentation.. I dont want to think about the future ever, I dont even know how I could imagine myself working a normal job and making a living. I am so so so sick of everybody constantly asking me what I want to do after I graduate.. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?? At this point Im thinking maybe Comp Sci but thats going to shit with all the AI stuff and its so so so overran right now its sickening. Other then that idk man maybe a Mechanic or something, cars are pretty cool I wouldnt mind it but I have zero clue how to work on cars at all. I havent even mentioned the actual important personal stuff of today... Earlier today my gf (Im not single, surprising I know..) was admitted to inpatient at a mental hospital. I dont know how Im gonna go the next few days without them, Im happy they can get a break from their shitty household but I actually cant live a day without seeing them, I was already crying like a cringe baby earlier, Im not built for anything at all.. Atleast I could call them before they were transferred from the hospital. It was nice hearing their voice before they had to leave. I wish I couldve said goodbye one more time but atleast I could see them for a bit over video. I was being a whiny little bitch and almost cut myself a bit after the call ended but I didnt want to deal with the mess right now so I held off, plus Im home I dont have to worry about that much yet, tomorrow is gonna be way worse having to think about this while also stressing over schoolwork that I did not bother to do tonight at all.. I got a box of Bottlecaps earlier though so today wasnt all bad, devoured the fuck out of it while playing some Fallout 4. Today was shit I wanna go to sleep but I dont want to wake up tomorrow.